Return - Hyperbole

A great delay in posting can only be explained, never forgiven. My most humble sentiments to all who have repeatedly checked this blog. I only wish there were more humans that could take the time to type a few words in adoration. The events that will be catalogued in the future will detail my plight. I again beg for your patience. With Giant Crab aloft, I realize I am not courageous, for I fear nothing.

A VOTE FOR GIANT CRAB IS A VOTE FOR A BIGGER CRAB

Destruction - The Future

Some nights, when I can no longer fight the weakness of my body, and bitterly succumb to its need for rest, I yet stay awake. Lieing in utter exhaustion, my selfish body influences my mind to rebel against my only purpose, and, all the while knowing I should be spending every moment strategizing for the Year of Proliferation, my mind drifts, dreaming of the future it is not my place to enjoy. I dream of the time long after the children of the ignorant masses offer my broken body to Giant Crab, that it might help fuel one iota of his electorally mandated growth, and I become one with him. I do not profess that any kind of spiritual intermingling would take place, because even if I were arrogant enough to claim the right to mingle my puny ego with the eternal Giant Crab's, it would be overwhelmed instantaneously by his might and purity. A purely material conjunction is the greatest transcendence I could hope for. After gazing at the stars before I fall into undeserved slumber, I dream of a greater, future Year of Proliferation, where Giant Crab ascends into the heavens, and devours the puny stellar counterfeit that the Romans named after his genus. With the remains of the Praesepe dusting his mandibles, he will straddle the milky way, and with a hunger greater than any black hole, consume the Pangalactic Senate that ratified his ascent.
A VOTE FOR GIANT CRAB IS A VOTE FOR A BIGGER CRAB

Refuse - Self Improvement Not for Self But For Giant Crab

If only my lungs could vote. Each needless breath I take fills me with more guilt than air. It is worse than sin to make my organs expand when the exoskeleton of giant crab stagnates at a barely accelerating increase in mass. When my stomach growls in hunger my mind growls in rage. The selfishness of my body is enough to make me sick. But this sickness, justified as it is, only increases the waste. Giant crab should be pinching clouds not shingles, and here I foolishly spend my time struggling with myself.

For the last few nights I have wrestled with this torture, with the pain of knowing that while my mind has submitted to his glory, my body resists. What could be done? I eat, I sleep, I drink, and thus both my time and my resources are not given 100%. My dreams have been filled with self-loathing. I regret the slightest tone in my skin, knowing that the foolish sun has spent its rays in the wrong place. Where was the answer? Of course it lay not with my body - but with my mind.

In a dream giant crab appeared to me, his majestic cephalothorax towering above me in resplendent glory. He turned his pincer and there lay a collection of books. I saw Euclid's The Elements, Darwin's The Origin of the Species and all the shabby works of human science that men in their arrogance so revere. Giant crab made a movement and I smiled knowing that he would destroy them as I know even now that someday he will. But their destruction lay not in his pincer's crushing grasp. Giant crab consumed man's science, and I awoke in a cold sweat knowing the answer.

There is no comparison between man and giant crab. Insignificant does not even begin to describe how a human being compares. But giant crab does not waste like men, and even refuse like our civilization can be taken advantage of.

So I call all men of science, throughout the nation, to join our cause. Bioengineers, geneticists, physicists, mathematicians, all men of science - I call upon you. Man is wasteful, for if even one calorie of our energies is not spent giant crab than our lives are undeserving. So we must improve our bodies so that our breaths go to the crab, that our slumber energizes only the crab, that each morsel of nutrition burns not in the fire of our bellies but in the fire of the march of our master.

A VOTE FOR GIANT CRAB IS A VOTE FOR A BIGGER CRAB.

Hear Me - Know The Enemy

- -Hate- -

My first act as campaign manager for the awe inspiring Giant Crab will be to smoke out a trader in our midst. His name is Dave Lurty and I am sorry to say he has delicate information regarding Giant Crab. It would be wrong to dismiss him immediately because he was clever enough to fool us into letting him meet with Giant Crab. I am ashamed of this fact, and would like to apologize. As an act of pennance, I vow to destroy Dave Lurty. He has tricked me and embarassed me in the eyes of Giant Crab. I will give you all more details on what it is he intends to do with the information he has once we know more. On January 4, 2006 I met a young man named Dave Lurty. His enthusiasm in regards to Giant Crab was nothing new, but I was elated at his dedication to the Year of Proliferation, and everything it could mean. Even those who are close with Giant Crab and respect him rightly have been known to show signs of skepticism about a victory in 2008. I let Dave Lurty's false excitment blind my judgment. He does not love Giant Crab. I ask all who are faithful to Giant Crab to forgive me, but not until I stomp this cuttlebone into the ground. I hate Dave Lurty...
A VOTE FOR GIANT CRAB IS A VOTE FOR A BIGGER CRAB

Funds Drive - Every Bit Helps

- -Dollars- -
Sorry for the lack of post yesterday, the upcoming weeks will be a tough one for those who love Giant Crab. Giant Crab is currently asking for a funds drive. We need to start taking large steps towards preparation for the Year of Proliferation. While any money I receive that does not go to basic human needs, immediately goes to Giant Crab, we ask that you donate any extra income you can part with. After the Year of Proliferation, currency will be meaningless, but for now, we need a steady income to help plan for Giant Crab's campaign. After the fiasco a few years back we will not be searching outward for a campaign manager this election. The last time we hired a non-believer, he was a complete moron. He did not understand the majesty of Giant Crab, and since Giant Crab does not grant visitation rights, the heathen was properly disposed of. Therefore, it is with great humility that I accept Giant Crab's nomination as campaign leader for the Year of Proliferation. I could never express the joy and honor I feel in a human's language, so I will simply pledge on my own life that we will have victory in 2008. A meaningless gesture for we know what happens to those who fail Giant Crab. I feel no pressure or intimidation with the task at hand. I am helping Giant Crab. Helping Giant Crab's plans come to fruition may be the easiest thing I have ever done. I will not let us down. Fill your hearts with Giant Crab, and remember...
A VOTE FOR GIANT CRAB IS A VOTE FOR A BIGGER CRAB

Suggestions - Not Truths

- - Rejoice- -

There are many things planned for the Year of Proliferation. While it is normally my job/pleasure to be a correspondent for our Giant Crab, Giant Crab has purposely kept most of his plans for 2008 reticent. However, besides what he has spoken outward about, there are things even a novice can conclude. I'm firstly speaking of course about Giant Crab's giant plan for us. While some speculate that death from Giant Crab will result in access to a sort of paradise in another realm, I remind those that any who follow Giant Crab will be spared. Furthermore, any who step in Giant Crab's wake will think they are in heaven already. This is why I believe that Giant Crab's ultimate coming will start a shockwave of others into following him. It is a great shame that many will be given the gift of forced attrition once Giant Crab has come in his larger form. It is with gritted teeth these new followers will be welcomed. If you ask me, only those who are true believers in Giant Crab should be spared. I do not question Giant Crab's methods. If they are accepted by Giant Crab, then they are my brothers. I should learn to be more understanding, like Giant Crab. After the Year of Proliferation, I will hopefully look back at these articles and laugh. But I will never forget the message at its heart...

A VOTE FOR GIANT CRAB IS A VOTE FOR A BIGGER CRAB

Year of Proliferation - Things To Come

- -Ready- -

In 2008 several things will come to pass. A short list of examples is presently unnecessary, for there should only be one thing on everyones mind: Giant Crab. I've repeatedly discussed obedience, and explained the need for cooperation, but no more. I should not need to waste precious words on the reasons all people world round should do everything in their power to help Giant Crab in his ultimate goal. I have been patient thus far, but that time is over. For those foolish enough to question Giant Crab, or his varied principles, I have no room in my heart for you. It has been occupied by Giant Crab. Giant Crab has taught us to try recruit others, but for some this task is to great for any human to accomplish. For the ignorant minority Giant Crab will most assuredly convince every last one of you of his vigor. I hope for your sake he does not make an example of you. The Year of Proliferation rapidly approaches, make the right decision. We need you, and your votes. Because as we all know...
A VOTE FOR GIANT CRAB IS A VOTE FOR A BIGGER CRAB

In Terms Of Service - Never Vicious Enough

- -Mediocrity- -
There are no two ways about servitude towards the almighty Giant Crab. This is not a weekend hobby. We do not lose ground the whole work week just to pick up the scraps on Saturday. Those of us who long for the Year of Proliferation do not appreciate this lack of involvement. I do not uphold this blog for my health. This constructive guide I create here has actually helped in the deteriation of my health. A small price to pay to Giant Crab. I do not claim to be a martyr, nor do I expect or acknowledge pity. I only wish you to understand what commitment to Giant Crab means. You need not ignore family and friends, we as a whole would like you to get them involved. Children must be reached at a young age. For those parents who believe it is too late for their child or teenager to begin understanding and helping Giant Crab, we ask you to show the tenacity of our magnificent crab. Be like him and help them understand, if you are not with Giant Crab, you are against him. While it hurts to lose the ones we love, when the Year of Proliferation comes, any who are non-adjusted will be left behind. Giant Crab will aide in the abandonment of your children as they are destroyed like the rest. Speaking from first hand experience, witnessing Giant Crab slaughter your own flesh and blood is far better than seeing them stand defiantely in protest of the eternal Giant Crab. All wounds heal with time, and while some wretched muckrakers might say this is 'barbaric' and 'insane', those who have stood in Giant Crab's presence and have done his bidding can tell you the true meaning of tutelage. Tonight at the dinner table, talk to your family and please, remind them...
A VOTE FOR GIANT CRAB IS A VOTE FOR A BIGGER CRAB